The Tragic Case That Shook a Nation
In October 2019, a female law student at Peking University (referred to as Bao Li) took her own life in a hotel in Beijing. She was declared brain dead while receiving medical treatment. Before her suicide, chat records revealed that her boyfriend, Mou Linhan, had repeatedly demanded degrading acts — including taking intimate photos, becoming pregnant and then having an abortion (keeping the medical records), and undergoing sterilization surgery — all because she was not a virgin.
When her boyfriend pressured her about not being a virgin, Bao Li replied: “The most beautiful thing about me is my future.” This response reveals her insecurity and regret about the past: The future will be wonderful, please don’t dwell on the past. In this gradual erosion of her boundaries, Bao Li gave ground step by step, allowing her boyfriend to become increasingly emboldened. Eventually, she completely devalued herself: “I am a worthless girl.”
If, when Mou Linhan first expressed his “virginity complex” and began devaluing her, Bao Li had replied firmly: “This is who I am. Accept me or leave” — there likely would have been no tragedy.
Mou Linhan bears undeniable responsibility for this tragedy. But parents raising daughters must ask themselves: If Bao Li had possessed genuine self-esteem and self-love, could she have been protected from such harm? As parents, we cannot shield our children from every storm. What we can do is teach them how to defend themselves against cruelty. For families with daughters, breaking free from traditional constraints, building self-esteem, and nurturing self-love is the most powerful protection we can offer.
How Traditional Beliefs Hold Girls Back
China’s five-thousand-year history contains brilliant treasures, but also outdated ideas that persist today. We must inherit cultural wisdom critically, not accept it wholesale.
1. The Historical Roots of Male Superiority
Since ancient times, Chinese culture has held the belief that men are superior to women. In ancient societies with limited technology and productivity, physical differences between men and women meant that greater male strength translated directly into labor productivity. Families with more sons could produce more wealth and necessities. Women, in contrast, were reduced to vessels for childbearing. With limited participation in productive labor, women depended on men for survival. Society afforded women little respect. Women became accessories to men — objectified, treated as commodities to be traded, rather than valued as independent human beings. This fundamentally devalued women’s personhood and reinforced low self-worth.
2. Cultural Control Through Moral Codes
Historical culture treated women as tradable goods, stripping them of independent personhood. Under patriarchy, a system of moral and ethical constraints emerged to tighten control over women, further enforcing obedience and suppressing women’s self-esteem as independent individuals.
The “Three Obediences” — obey your father before marriage, obey your husband after marriage, and obey your son after your husband’s death — all reinforce the notion that women must depend on men for their existence. The “Four Virtues” (morality, proper speech, modest manner, and diligent work) rigidly defined women’s place in society, confining them to the domestic sphere and systematically excluding them from politics, military affairs, and other public domains.
3. Marriage Customs That Devalue Women
Modern wedding customs still include “bride price” (彩礼) arrangements, which vary wildly across regions. Some examples: “Three catties with one sound” — three catties (1.5 kg) of 100-yuan banknotes plus a car. “Ten thousand purples, a thousand reds, and one green” — 10,000 purple 5-yuan notes, 1,000 red 100-yuan notes, and one green 50-yuan note. Such practices blatantly position women as commodities with a price tag attached.
These traditional beliefs still constrain modern girls. For example, the “sweet and simple” female lead archetype in romance dramas leads many young women to dream of a wealthy “prince charming.” In today’s world of advanced productivity, women can support far more than “half the sky.” Breaking free from these mental constraints is essential to building a daughter’s self-esteem — and it should be every parent’s first priority.
Understanding Girls’ Psychological Development
What Is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is the attitude — positive or negative — that an individual holds toward themselves. It reflects whether a person believes they are capable, important, successful, and valuable. Simply put, self-esteem is self-respect, formed through comparison and shaped by how we evaluate ourselves in our social roles. Self-esteem first manifests as self-respect and self-preservation, but also includes the expectation that others, groups, and society will respect us.
Girls Are More Prone to Low Self-Esteem
The decline in self-esteem begins in early adolescence, and girls show a sharper drop than boys.
A 1991 U.S. study of primary and secondary school students found that at age 9, 67% of girls and 60% of boys were “satisfied with themselves.” By middle school, only 46% of boys and 29% of girls still felt satisfied.
This disparity stems from social role expectations. For example, society pressures women to be thin and slender — hence the booming weight-loss and cosmetic surgery industries. Media portrayals of female characters reinforce these expectations. Adolescent girls are more dissatisfied with their appearance than boys. Society’s obsessive focus on female appearance, coupled with media glorification of thinness, leads women to become increasingly critical of their own bodies. Combined with accumulated messages from family, school, and society, many girls begin to harshly judge their bodies, falling into self-doubt and self-deprecation.
This makes it clear: the family is the primary source of a child’s psychological strength. The values expressed through parents’ words and actions are critically important. For families with daughters, parents must not only protect their daughter’s self-esteem but actively help her build a healthy value system.
Raising a Daughter Starts with Building Self-Esteem
Children (in psychological terms, ages 0–18) develop their self-concept through interactions with parents and society. Self-concept is the awareness of oneself in relation to others — “me” versus “you,” “them,” and “us.” While parents cannot control society or school, within the family, they can actively shape and strengthen their daughter’s self-esteem through their words and actions.
1. Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance means embracing one’s appearance — height, weight, skin color, family background, and more. Research consistently shows that individuals who dislike their appearance cannot build a positive self-image. Children learn to accept or reject themselves based on messages from their parents.
For example, if parents are dissatisfied with their child’s appearance (facial features, height, etc.) and unconsciously express that dissatisfaction, these values are absorbed by the child. Combined with social pressures, this reinforces the formation of low self-esteem.
2. Reducing Social Comparison
We cannot escape social life, and comparison is inherent to it — grades, performance, height, weight, body shape — we learn about ourselves through comparison. But comparison requires choosing a reference point. A 170 cm (5’7″) girl is generally considered tall, but compared to Yao Ming, she would seem short!
Social comparison is universal. Reducing its negative impact means, first, choosing realistic reference points rather than unrealistic ideals, and second, accepting present reality. Recognize your intrinsic worth — there’s no need to measure your shortcomings against someone else’s strengths.
3. Recognizing Self-Worth
Every person is one in 3 million — utterly unique in the world. Unconditional self-affirmation, self-appreciation, self-acceptance, and recognition of one’s own value — these should not depend on any external condition. You are always a person of worth.
4. A Father’s Voice Matters Most
To a child, a father represents society and the outside world — he is the bridge between the child and the external world. This is especially important for daughters. Girls who receive regular affirmation and praise from their fathers develop higher self-esteem. For a daughter, her father also represents the perspective and opinion of the “male group” as a whole.
5. Helping Children Overcome Body Image Struggles
When a child encounters comparison in the outside world and develops self-doubt or low self-worth, parents should step in promptly. Help them work through the principles above — relieve mental pressure and offer practical strategies.
Q: What should parents do when a daughter is teased at school for being “fat”?
A1: “You’re starting to notice your figure? Mom is so happy — it means you’re growing into a young woman! I think you’re perfect just the way you are. Actually, whether you’re thin or not doesn’t matter — what matters to Mom is that you’re healthy. But if you’d like to work toward a body shape you’re happy with, I’d love to create a plan with you — one that keeps you healthy and helps you feel great. Would you like that?”
Why this works: Humans can’t exist outside society, and comparison is part of life. For adolescent girls who are becoming more aware of how others see them, this is completely normal. By first accepting her feelings, Mom gives her the greatest gift: validation and courage to face reality. If instead Mom scolds her (“Just focus on your studies!”), dismisses her concerns, or laughs at her, that damages her self-esteem and self-worth.
A2: “That just means you’re healthy — your body absorbs nutrients well! Or maybe Mom’s cooking is just too delicious — you should feel lucky! Your grades are amazing. You’re such a beautiful person… We have to leave some good qualities for others, right? If you had all the advantages, nobody else would stand a chance! But seriously — if you’d like to work toward a body shape you’re happy with, I’d love to create a plan with you. One that keeps you healthy and helps you feel great. Would you like that?”
Why this works: Find your child’s unique strengths and use humor to encourage her. Help her recognize her own shining qualities, reinforcing self-affirmation. Then offer a supportive suggestion and express willingness to work together, respecting her choice every step of the way.
According to a “Weight Loss and Health” survey at Jinan University: among 1,365 female university students, about 85% had considered losing weight, 76.7% had attempted weight loss, and 25.57% were actively dieting. More than 85% of those dieting were at a normal weight, while 12.61% were undernourished. 77.8% wanted to lose weight because they were dissatisfied with their bodies. 75.55% used calorie restriction, and 27.22% used weight-loss drugs.
These statistics powerfully illustrate how social expectations of women affect modern girls. When a daughter enters adolescence and becomes conscious of her appearance, parents must respond with care. Address psychological pressure constructively, build confidence, and nurture a personality rooted in healthy self-esteem.
Conclusion
The core of building self-esteem is overcoming the feeling of unworthiness — the belief that “I don’t deserve to have or achieve good things” — which triggers self-attack and further diminishes self-worth. Bao Li’s tragedy began with feelings of unworthiness triggered by the “virginity complex,” leading step by step to self-negation. We cannot change society overnight, but we can teach our children to love themselves. We cannot predict whether our children will face harm, but we can strengthen their inner defenses.
“One must love oneself before others can love them. One must help oneself before others can help them. One must believe in oneself before others can believe in them. One must respect oneself before others can respect them.”
Help your child learn to love herself — then she can accept herself, cherish herself, and develop the high self-esteem that will protect her from tragedy.
References:
– Psychology of Women, edited by Luo Huilan (2013), Hunan University Press
– Baidu Baike: “Peking University Bao Li Incident”
Leave a Reply