In recent years, ‘sense of security’ has become a term familiar to many mothers.
Numerous experts say that children who have a sense of security are more curious, have better interpersonal relationships, are more confident and optimistic, and brave enough to face setbacks. As a result, mothers have begun to worry, afraid that their child lacks a sense of security and will lose at the starting line.
So, in people’s minds, what kind of child is considered to have a sense of security? Xiaoyang’s mother interviewed several mothers around her, and their answers were:
1. Children with a sense of security should not be afraid of strangers, can play alone, and won’t cling to their mother all day.
2. When the mother has to go out, they won’t cry or make a fuss, and will stayquietly and obediently at home with other caregivers.
3. Additionally, children with a sense of security should adapt quickly to kindergarten life, without separation anxiety, and won’t cry every day refusing to go to school.
In short, in people’s view, children with a sense of security are optimistic, cheerful, like little angels.
It is precisely because mothers imagine children with a sense of security as too perfect that when they compare them with their own child, they feel ‘My child is so clingy, not independent, must be lacking security—what should I do!’ The anxiety returns.
In fact, ‘having a sense of security’ and ‘relying on mother, having separation anxiety’ are not completely opposed. At different ages, children’s sense of security will manifest in different ways.
Below, Xiaoyang’s mother organizes for you what behaviors are normal and which ones truly indicate a lack of security.
These behaviors are normal; the child is not lacking a sense of security
1. Between 8-9 months, the baby cries as soon as they see a stranger.
The baby shows wariness and fear toward strangers, what we commonly call ‘stranger anxiety’ or ‘fear of strangers’.
Psychologists believe this behavior is not because the baby is timid or clingy, but a sign of cognitive progress.
At this stage, the baby can already compare the differences between strangers’ faces and the mother’s face, forming ‘face memory’.
Before six months, babies smile at everyone, not because they are unafraid of strangers, but because they cannot yet remember faces, so they cannot distinguish relatives from strangers.
Therefore, ‘fear of strangers’ is not a sign of lacking a sense of security.
2. Between 15-18 months, the child refuses to let the mother leave.
During this stage, the child will experience ‘separation anxiety’. The manifestation is that as soon as the mother leaves, the child cries and refuses to be cared for by others.
This is because the child has already formed an attachment bond with the mother, and in his mind, the mother is the closest person and the one who can give him the most security.
However, at the same time, he cannot yet understand complex concepts of time, doesn’t know how long the mother will be gone, whether she’ll return, or when she’ll return, so the mother’s departure fills him with anxiety and sad feelings.
Additionally, the child’s memory ability has developed.
He remembers that the last time you changed clothes and left, it took a long time, and he cried for a long time, so when you change clothes again to leave, he immediately links your departure with that unpleasant experience, and naturally doesn’t want you to go.
Although the age at which separation anxiety appears varies among children—some may show it at 1 year old, others at 1.5 years old—what’s the same is that the vast majority of children go through this stage.
Therefore, ‘separation anxiety’ is also not a sign of lacking a sense of security; it’s a normal developmental stage.
3. When the child plays, they always want the mother to accompany them.
Recently a mother asked, saying that when she was present, the child played well alone, but as soon as she stepped away, even just to collect laundry on the balcony, the child would immediately drop his toys and come find his mother. She worried whether this indicates a lack of security or insufficient independence.
Actually, this is also a misunderstanding. The child is not clinging to the mother; they treat the mother as a ‘secure base’. When the secure base is present, even if the mother just sits nearby and does nothing, the child can feel at ease.
But once the secure base disappears, the child cannot focus his energy on exploration or play, and must immediately confirm where the secure base is.
This is also a normal behavior for young children, not a sign of lacking a sense of security.
4. The child has kindergarten anxiety, doesn’t want to go to kindergarten.
Last year, Xiaoyang entered kindergarten; there were indeed a few girls at their school who never cried, happily saying goodbye to adults every day.
In contrast, most of the other children experienced several weeks, even two months, of kindergarten anxiety.
Among them, several mothers of boys were especially anxious, thinking ‘Why are those girls so brave, while our boys keep crying endlessly?’
In fact, most children just starting kindergarten or preschool will show ‘kindergarten anxiety’.
They not only have to leave the closest family members, but also the most familiar environment, go to a completely unfamiliar place, and spend the whole day with unfamiliar teachers and classmates.
They may even be unsure whether Mom will come back after dropping them off. So feeling anxious or sad is completely normal.
Therefore, ‘kindergarten anxiety’ is also not a sign of lacking a sense of security.
How to determine whether a child lacks a sense of security
Having discussed the four misconceptions above, let’s now look at what behaviors indicate a genuine lack of a sense of security.
In 1978, psychologist Mary Ainsworth, through her research, classified the attachment relationships between infants and their parents into three types.
The experimental scenario is similar to the everyday situation of leaving a child.
First, the mother and baby are in a room together. Then a stranger enters and briefly interacts with the baby. Then the mother leaves, leaving the baby alone with the stranger. Finally, the mother returns and the stranger leaves.
When separated from the mother, what reactions will different children have?
The first is the securely attached baby, what we commonly refer to as the baby with a sense of security.
When the mother leaves, some of these babies show obvious anxiety, others are more calm, but the common point is that after the mother leaves and returns, these babies are willing to be close to the mother. Whether smiling or through intimate physical contact, they welcome the mother back.
The second type is the anxious-ambivalent attached baby. When the mother leaves, some cry loudly, while others appear passive and show no reaction.
But when the mother returns, their reaction is very contradictory. On one hand they want to actively approach the mother, but when the mother holds them, they struggle and push her away.
The mothers of these babies often fail to respond positively to the baby’s needs in daily life, causing the baby to cry frequently.
Because they cannot treat the mother as a secure base, these babies show less exploratory behavior and their cognitive development is not as advanced as that of securely attached babies.
Finally, the third type is the avoidant attached baby. When the mother leaves, they do not cry or fuss; they can even be said to show no reaction at all. When the mother returns, they also choose to avoid her.
It looks as though they don’t care whether the mother is present or not; they show neither joy, attachment, nor sadness.
Is this type of baby naturally colder? Not at all; researchers have found that it is because the mothers consistently treat the baby in a cold manner that the baby develops these adaptive behaviors, avoiding their own sadness and anger so that the mother does not completely abandon them.
Having seen this, you may now understand what kind of baby truly lacks a sense of security.
1. What matters is not whether they cry when the mother leaves, but how the baby reacts when the mother returns.
If, when the mother returns, the baby appears very cold or very contradictory, then he is likely lacking a sense of security.
Normal crying and refusing to let the mother leave, but after the mother returns, still clinging to the mother’s embrace—these children are normal and healthy.
2. How the mother treats the child on a daily basis is very important.
Psychologists point out that to help a child build a sense of security, two things must be done.
First, have intimate contact with the child, such as kissing, hugging, and talking with them.
Second, promptly meet the baby’s needs and be consistent. Do not be warm one moment and then cold the next.
If parents do not do these two things, but instead behave like the latter two types of mothers in the experiment—ignoring the child’s needs, letting them cry, even showing coldness or aversion—then the child will not only lack a sense of security, but their physical and psychological development will also be difficult to achieve healthily.
Now that you understand these points, do you feel more confident and tolerant toward your child? Let go of the anxiety and accept the child’s dependence on us; they will grow better.